12 Worst Christmas Songs

From: http://spinner.com

Christmas songs can reconnect us to our childhood sense of wonder, or drive us right up the freakin' chimney. For the 12 days of Christmas, we've made our lists of the naughtiest and nicest non-novelty rock-era ditties. You check 'em twice.

12.

'Santa Baby'
--Madonna (1987)

Madonna had been around the block far too many times to get away with playing the infuriating Betty Boop-ish ingenue. When Eartha Kitt made a case for being a good, deserving girl -- "think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed" -- it was mildly amusing. When Madonna trotted out the line, it was just another reason for Sean Penn to start throwing ornaments.





11.

'Wonderful Christmastime'
--Paul McCartney (1979)

Look, kids -- Daddy got a new synthesizer for Christmas! McCartney has reportedly renounced this creampuff in recent years, but the damage was already done. But you gotta give it to him: the old boy can write an irrepressible melody even when he sounds like he's puckered up from a half-dozen





10.

'Christmastime'
--The Smashing Pumpkins (1997)

When Billy Corgan shrieks about feeling like a rat in a cage, he's a voice of authenticity. When he sings about the tender feelings he has for tots fawning over their presents, it's ... creepy. How close are we letting him to these kids, anyway?







9.

'8 Days of Christmas'
--Destiny's Child (2001)

Backrubs and poems. A diamond belly ring and some quality T-I-M-E. "Doesn't it feel like Christmas?" Well, no, ladies -- it feels kinda dirty, like we're the third wheel on your No-Tell Motel weekend. The keys to a CLK Mercedes? Now, that's a sentiment we can get behind.






8.

'Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town'
--Bruce Springsteen (1981)

Even though he's darn near as sainted as St. Nick himself, Bruce is capable of laying the occasional lump of coal. We've got no beef with rollicking through this sloppy number live, but do radio stations really have to play it 5,000 times every December? And, yeah, we get it ... Clarence wants a new sax.






7.

'Christmas Conga'
--Cyndi Lauper (1998)

Seriously? After all the snow shoveling, the shlepping through the malls, the tantrum-throwing children and the drunken uncles, you really think we feel like joining a conga line?








6.

'Santa's Beard'
--The Beach Boys (1964)

The kid pulls the pillow out from under Santa's shirt and yanks off his beard. The whole scenario makes our stomach roll over, like an undercooked ham -- for instance, when was the last time that pillow was washed? With Brian Wilson hitting his most migraine-inducing falsetto note as he repeats the taunt ("Not Santa! Not Santa!"), we may never enter a shopping mall again.




5.

'Merry Christmas With Love'
--Clay Aiken (2004)

This song comes to us warmed over from an old seasonal pot luck by contemporary Christian artist Sandy Patti. Just as the lonely subject despairs that there's "no reason for trimming the tree" (Was she dumped? Lost in a remote wing of her McMansion?), the carolers remind her of the true meaning of Christmas. Was that a sigh of relief, or are you choking on your peppermint?





4.

'Merry Christmas (I Don't Wanna Fight Tonight)'
--The Ramones (1989)

When Joey Ramone sees trees of green -- red roses, too -- it truly does sound like a wonderful world. But when he calls out to the stray flying mammals on his tenement rooftop -- where is Rudolph? Where is Blitzen? -- to help save him from another bickering Christmas, it's just too absurd.






3.

'Oi to the World'
--No Doubt (1997)

Covering the Vandals no doubt shored up Gwen's punk cred, and the storyline -- Hadji the Punk and Trevor the Skinhead learning to live together in harmony -- just warms the old cockles every time. But there's something about making a cutesy play on the phrase "Joy to the World" using the skinhead's "Oi!" that just doesn't sit right.





2.

'Please, Daddy (Don't Get Drunk This Christmas)'
--John Denver (1975)

The late Rocky Mountain troubadour sometimes introduced this song as a funny little ditty that took on more serious overtones over time. It's hard to see what could have been funny about a seven-year-old pleading with Daddy not to pass out under the tree. Not when you consider that Denver had two DUI arrests before his death in 1997.





1.

'Do They Know It's Christmas'
--Band Aid (1984)

File this, charitably, under Good Intentions. The cream of the U.K. pop crop -- including Bob Geldof and the guy from Spandau Ballet -- banged this out in one 24-hour session. Unfortunately, despite the heroic tub-thumping of Phil Collins, it sounds like it. And -- with lyrics like "Tonight thank God it's them, instead of you" -- you can't exactly take it out caroling.